How to Network When You Don't Like Networking
Hint: you're probably doing it wrong
"Happy Hour. Networking Event. Mixer. Isn't there something we can do that's not such a waste of time?" For years, I saw networking as a "necessary evil" in my work and career. I'd show up for long enough to say I'd been there, but the truth was I'd rather be anywhere else.
My biggest issue back then with networking was how superficial and transactional the whole thing felt. I felt like people were essentially treating people like walking business ATMs, where you stick in your business card, and out comes something useful to you: a job, a contact, or maybe just some cash. I decided that I didn't need that kind of shallowness in my life, and I'd avoid it as much as I could.
Fast forward to this week, where I was privileged to kick off Utah Tech Week, alongside Cory Ivins and Vanessa Perez, with a keynote on…wait for it…how to enjoy networking.
What changed? Turns out I was dead wrong about networking. And you might be, too.
Debunking Networking Myths
Many people struggle with networking because they believe one or more of the following myths:
You have to be an extrovert to be good at networking.
Networking is all about collecting contacts for your career.
You have to talk about work to make a good impression.
There’s no way to have a meaningful connection in just a few minutes.
None of these are true. In reality, networking is about building genuine connections, not just making professional transactions. And introverts, with their ability to focus on meaningful one-on-one conversations, are often better suited for deep networking than extroverts.
By the Numbers
Forbes put out an interesting article back in 2020 that estimated that 70%-80% of job openings never actually get posted, and the only way to get wind of opportunities as they arise is to know someone connected with that job opening.
According to a 2022 Aptitude Research Report, 84% of companies believe referrals are the most cost-effective way to find talent. Another older study by the Adler Group found that 85% of jobs are filled through networking.
Okay, so networking is important. That doesn't exactly make it fun.
Here's a hint: if it isn't fun, it's not because you're "introverted" or "so over it," it's more likely that you're going about it the wrong way.
The Golden Rule of Networking
If networking feels selfish, it’s probably because you’re making it about yourself. When your focus is on "how can this person help me?" or "what am I going to say next?" you end up missing opportunities to really connect with people. You're getting in your own way. The key to enjoyable and successful networking is to actually forget all about what you want, and follow this golden rule:
Networking is not about you. It’s about them.
The best thing you can do in a networking situation is to shut down all the plates spinning in your own head, and put some real, focused effort into listening to what the other person is up to.
The Three C’s of Meaningful Networking
To go from meeting contacts to creating real connections, keep these three elements in mind:
Context – Understand the environment you’re in and the emotional state of the people around you. Are they engaged? Distracted? Uncomfortable? How does that compare with how you are feeling? This is a form of "situational awareness" you'll need to make everything else work.
Curiosity – Ask open-ended questions that give them room to respond thoughtfully. Take genuine interest in their demeanor and responses, and, for goodness sake, listen to them! Listening is a task for both the head AND heart; use both.
Connection – Don't be a robot! Be open to sharing and validating the emotions in your conversation, whatever they may be. Real connection happens when someone feels you believe what they believe, you "get" them (cognitively and emotionally), and they feel they can trust you.
How to Have a Connective Conversation
Forget the usual “What do you do?” Instead, try more open-ended, emotive questions to build an instant connection:
What do you love about what you do?(This invites people to talk about their passions rather than just their job titles.)
What’s something exciting happening in your life right now?(A great way to move beyond work-related small talk.)
What’s challenging you right now?(This opens the door to deeper conversations and opportunities to offer help.)
And remember: If you want to dig deeper, the most powerful question you can ask is simply, “Why?”
Change the Game
There are absolutely still people who take a transactional approach to networking. In fact, just yesterday I was at a local pitch meeting when I heard a very prominent investor say, "Investors are looking at you like you are a machine. They are comparing you with all the other machines in front of them. Machines are for making things, and your purpose is to make money for them."
Ick. Makes you want to just throw up your hands and quit the whole game, doesn't it?
Don't quit the game. Change it.
There will always be people who look at you as a potential asset or obstacle. But that is exactly why you're needed. The world doesn't need your gadget, app, or service nearly as much as they need your heart and humanity. And if you lead with heart and humanity, you'll find places and people who need your other stuff, too.